Sunday, April 19, 2020

Lessons Learned During the Pandemic (so far)


Lessons Learned During the Pandemic (so far)

There are three tenets that serve me well when talking about political or societal matters. First, it is better to try to learn as opposed to trying to win at a debate. In life, people rarely ‘win’ at a debate, one person may have more evidence, another may be more eloquent, but it doesn’t really matter as we generally change our opinions in inches, not miles. My time is better served trying to learn and grow than trying to find some sort of angle that will “reveal the truth” to anyone I disagree with.

Second, there are multiple truths. I don’t mean different opinions (of which there are many as well), but important political and societal issues affect us differently. What is a burden to one person may very well be salvation to another. What is important to one is trivial to another. What is loud to one person is quiet and distant to someone further away from the source. Our individual perspectives hold valid, legitimate truth, but not an all-encompassing, universal Truth.

Third, even the best, most inclusive, most well-thought-out solution will almost certainly harm someone who doesn’t deserve it. By harm I don’t necessarily mean physical damage (though am not excluding it), but whether it’s an increase in taxes, cutting a struggling program, or building a new road, someone will likely be worse off for it. It is up to us how many it is, who those people are, and how deeply they are adversely affected.

So it is with this pandemic, where I’ve been trying to learn, I see how it affects people very differently, and how there are no solutions that don’t have serious negative repercussions along with the good. To the first point of learning, here are a few of the insights I’ve had recently:

Privilege is not Static and Rigid, but Dynamic and Fluid

Privilege has been on my mind a lot. As a cisgender, white, male, in my 30s, extroverted, well-educated, etc., etc. who is both taking classes to obtain a Masters in Humanities (social justice track) and is in a cross-cultural marriage, I’m facing new situations and understandings to how so much of society from language, to careers, to even talks of diversity favor me.

The pandemic is not some old truth, it is not an always-existing privilege that I’m able to stay at home and still get a paycheck while so many others have lost jobs, been furloughed, are told they are essential and must put themselves at risk with comparatively little pay. It is a new reality we live in, the privileges I have are taking on a new form, are dynamic and fluid in a changing economy and society. My wife and I are able to take this time to save a little more, get a little closer to meeting our financial goals and eventually get out of the rat race while many, many more are facing burdens that will take months or years to just catch up to where they were at the start of the year let alone achieve their long term financial hopes.

I can only guess then that if my privilege has adjusted itself to the times, so too must disadvantage and prejudice be equally flexible in exploiting the vulnerability of others.

Feminism is on Hold, Bigotry is Not

As part of my new graduate program, I’ve started a monthly blog series with a professional organization for local governments. I work in local government, and my series takes the most relevant lessons I learn and applies it to our industry. Just as my third post, one covering some elements of feminism, was about to be posted, it got put on hold for COVID-19 resources. It’s understandable, and I agree that at the moment there are many other pressing matters.

Still, when my feminist class met again through Zoom, and I made the joke that “feminism was on hold”, though it earned some laughs it also highlighted a deep problem. Women (and other disadvantaged groups) have been, are, and will be, more adversely affected by the economic fallout on average, but we are too busy scrambling for ventilators and trying to hold up what businesses we can that I’m unsure if we can also pay attention to any nuance of which businesses, which workers, which regions get resources and which do not.

Bigotry is not staying silent. There is no pause, no self-reflection, no sense of shame to take the time to wrongly target Asian-Americans as plague carriers. There is no pause button to try to turn people’s fears, uncertainties, frustration towards minorities in explicit and implicit ways. Those of us who see ourselves as better, as more enlightened, act within a set of rules that restrain us and hold us back in a way that hate is liberated from.

And admittedly, I was given an option to make another professional blog post about social justice if it related to the pandemic. I opted not to, as I have no real knowledge or insights into the pandemic itself more than the next person. I felt doing so would be unearned and half-assed compared to what I’ve written before and will write after. I do question this decision though, if it isn’t better to clumsily promote equity if it can make some positive difference compared to holding off for weeks, even months to do things the “right way” while bigotry presses onward.  

Fragility of our Economy, our Institutions

I can’t help but marvel how terribly fragile our economy and institutions are after having witnessed the 2008 recession and now this. It seems to me from my amateur perspective is that the genius of Wall Street isn’t that it is built upon a solid foundation of knowledge and wisdom, but that it has now been saved twice with hundreds of billions of dollars with few to no strings attached while the poorest among us must show proof to prove they’re not abusing welfare. I can’t say I can completely blame them if they don’t change much after all is said and done, as there appears to be few if any real consequences for them to seek short term wealth over long term stability.

Our hospitals are overburdened, our grocery stores trying to keep up with demand, our political divides showing old scars and developing new ones by the day. Yet, the biggest trouble I’m seeing is most of us appear to only be further convinced that we’ve been right all along. These times are definitive proof to the socialist that the private healthcare industry has failed and we need a stronger centralized government. The libertarian is vindicated that government will use any excuse to expand its power, and now more than ever we need to be self-sufficient. New York is a testament to the failing of Democrats. The federal response is proof to the inability of Republicans. Our narratives seem not to challenge us, but reaffirm us in these troubled times.

I see the sentiment of a “new normal”, of “times changing”, and though I believe it on the surface level that some things will be unfamiliar, I’m unconvinced there’s going to be a change in our mindsets enough to do any different when the next challenge comes.

A Question of Urgency

My activism is a relaxed, privileged one. I do take pride in taking the time to study and learn theories, practices, etc. in equity, and then sharing it with professionals in my field. I honestly believe there’s a lot of value and good in it. However, I’m under no illusion I’m not also benefiting from the rewards of another degree or getting my name out, that any “sacrifice” in time or money is better defined as an “investment” for what I can already afford with little to no risk. The plan has been to take things slow and steady, to month by month share another thought, another idea and see what, who, and how it takes hold, to observe what change happens and what opportunities present themselves.

Seeing my small part get postponed, watching as systemic and overt inequalities reshape our country and world (or “redistribute the wealth” if you will) so rapidly makes me feel like I’ve showed up to play ball after everyone’s already played and gone home. I’m left stuttering, “Wait, just give it a few years then I’ll be all good to go,” as crickets chirp back. I have a sense of urgency, yet no real direction to take it in yet, and frankly should be staying at home doing my part in social distancing anyways.

I have no good answers to this last one yet, only for now to accept the urgency and to admit that there are holes in my big plan that I can’t readily ignore.


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To any who read this, I do wish the best. That I’m able to take this time to reflect deeper into my position, my beliefs, my options is a sign of how I’m sheltered from the worst (and many of the lesser problems) of the pandemic, have the freedom and time to do this. My silver lining, my hope is that enough of us will learn to do better tomorrow. We will see whether or not it happens.



Sunday, December 8, 2019

Wedding Talk, Part Three: Being an Ally


Wedding Talk, Part Three: Being an Ally
Our pastor was from the Open Table Metropolitan Community Church in Manila, a group that focuses on LGBT outreach and advocacy, and normally does LGBT, non-legally-binding weddings for them. Many of our entourage were openly LGBT. Our wedding itself was between the two of us from different nationalities and races. There certainly was a theme of openness and acceptance, and something I feel is worth talking a bit about.



A Matter of Convenience
Development work has a large number of people who belong to not-privileged demographics, both on the professionals’ side and the recipients as well. As such, we’ve met many friends, developed a “tribe”, “extended family”, whatever term we want to use, that face social stigma and challenges that we don’t. Choosing Open Table was less of a bold, daring political stand, and more of trying to find a group that would be accommodating to our guests. We didn’t want someone who’d overemphasize “one man and one woman” or “only through Jesus Christ” when both comments however well-intended wouldn’t apply to everyone we care about.

It was convenience.

For me, this is part of being an ally, where it’s less about some great sacrifice on behalf of others, and more realizing that kindness and inclusion makes all of our lives a little bit better. It’s not just “their” fight, it’s “our” fight, their happiness and well-being a complement, not a deterrent, to ours.

Balancing Humility and Pride
There were a few people who after the wedding expressed some truly genuine thanks to us, for feeling safe and welcome. One person achieved a life goal of being a flower girl. On one hand it did fill me with pride to be a part of that, for our wedding to mean so much to others in this way. On the other hand, it didn’t feel like much, that what we did paled in comparison to the struggles they’ve had.

It’s both.

We all see the world with varying degrees of weight. What is important or difficult or frightening for one person is casual or easy or simple to another. Part of being an ally is being aware of this, that many of the things we take for granted, actions and thoughts that may take little to no effort, can be what matters most for other people. It is accepting that effort and outcome are not always perfectly aligned and that just as we can fight hard and make little ground, so too can we just say something nice and push the needle forward.

A Journey, not a Destination
Just as our wedding was one step along Tin and my story together, so too was the wedding in regards to being an ally. We did something good, we did something progressive and thoughtful, but it isn’t some sort of victory lap where we can now declare we’re done. Our inclusion was based on experiences and friendships that have grown over years, and we’ll continue to grow as people and professionals to continue the good work.

It doesn’t end.

One thing I do understand from skeptics is the common reaction of how tired they are over “PC culture”, and having to second guess everything they do and say. My response is usually along the lines of, “Well… yeah. It is tiring, and it can be a lot to think about, but that’s the point.” People who aren’t accepted by society have that weight on their shoulders constantly, and I can only imagine it’s even harder than whatever challenge those of us more accepting have trying to be more actively aware and mindful.

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Concluding Thoughts
I don’t feel that life has changed all that much. Wearing a wedding band is new, and I’m getting a hang of what things I can do with it on, and when I should take it off. Then again, Tin won’t be moving in until January, so that part of our new life is still to come.

Coming full circle, it all boils down to choice, to perception. Are we champions for the underserved, or just people trying to figure things out ourselves? Were the trips and stumbles things we can smile about or cringe about in hindsight? As we move forward, will our wedding serve as an important time we fall back on, or will it fade away in exchange for more recent memories? There’s truth in all our options, and we’ll choose which truth to live by one day at a time.



Sunday, November 17, 2019

Wedding Talk, Part Two: Moments


Wedding Talk, Part Two: Moments

This post is more of something for posterity, a chance to list out some fun, defining, and meaningful moments while it’s all still fresh in my head, something to go back to years from now so I don’t have to remember it all from scratch.

Days leading up to the wedding
-Getting to see Peace Corps staff again at a training: There was a time I knew every Peace Corps volunteer in the Philippines, but that time is well passed. Instead, it’s the staff who remain who I have shared memories with, fun people who work to help their country by helping guide/put up with American shenanigans.
-Seeing my supervisor again: Although Nerio, his wife Remi, and the rest of his family couldn’t make the wedding, getting to spend lunch with him, and then do a video call with his kids (as he always says, his two girls, and his two daughters making four total) was a good reminder of my weekends during service, spending time with my family in Nueva Vizcaya.
-Tin’s graduation: Getting to be a part of Tin’s graduation, seeing her hard work over three years pay off was a great time. Admittedly, I also was reminded of guest speakers making long, unrelated speeches.
-Tin’s surprise bridal shower: Tin volunteers with a barangay every Saturday, and she is also very hard to surprise. Still, they managed it with decorations, food, and cheers.
-Introducing my family to the Philippines: My dad had been to the Philippines once briefly, but my mom and sister hadn’t, and so I got to introduce them to the country of my Peace Corps service. Of particular joy was seeing them all scrunched up in a trike.
-Pamamanhikan: The traditional meeting of the families, the awkwardness lasted only a few minutes and then everyone started getting to know each other.

Before the Wedding
-The Rehearsal Dinner: Boni and Argy started off the speeches on a strong note, both heartfelt. Getting to see so many people from different parts of our lives all in one place was surreal.
-Filipino Four Loko: There’s an infamous concoction of red horse (strong beer), genebra (gin), and cobra (energy drink) that makes one very drunk, and very happy and excited to drink more. Munya brought it over, Greg asked for seconds, and I (after chugging down lots of water) slept on a wooden sofa on the porch so people could find me easily in the morning in case I slept in.
-Horse thief: Woke up to the sounds of people shouting. I was like, “Huh, those voices sound familiar… nah…” and snoozed again. Turns out a horse tried to snatch our bread for breakfast, thus the shouting.
-Action shot: Watching the photographers try to take a picture of Tin’s wedding dress (not her in the dress, just the dress) by throwing up the veil, and darting out of the camera angle to try to show the veil trailing behind. Must’ve tried it at least a dozen times.
-Moment at the beach: Munya, Greg, my sister, and I just standing at the beach to spend some time to ourselves before the big event, Mt. Mayon in the distance.
-Clouds: It was a hot day, but some clouds (that didn’t rain) that came in helped a lot.
-First glance: That first moment looking at the wedding set up floored me. It was beautiful.
-Whacky: Whacky shots in the Philippines are a thing. At first my own photoshoot was pretty boring until I asked for a whacky photo. The photographers’ eyes lit up and things turned around.

The Wedding
-Starting out: Taking that walk, not feeling the ground beneath my feet.



-The bride: Watching my soon-to-be-wife walk down the aisle, tears in everyone’s eyes, seeing her in the dress she chose that was right for her, right for us.
-A strong call for acceptance: Our pastor works for a group who primarily does church services for the LGBT community. A very softspoken man, Pator Mike came off strong in his ardent support for love for all.
-Help getting up: Tin’s dress was gorgeous, but did need a little help to move to stand up and sit down. When it was suggested for the Maids of Honor to help her out, my best men followed soon to help lift me.
-Our vows: When I asked other people their favorite moments, they said it was our vows. As of writing this, still waiting for the video, which should have our vows on it. Suffice to say, we each spoke from the heart.

-The kiss: That moment that signaled the end of the wedding proper, our first kiss as husband and wife.

After the Wedding
-Lots of sugar: One of the traditions is to have the grandparents give us each a spoonful of sugar. Lola got as much sugar as she could on that spoon, making for quite the mouthful.

-The dance: Our first dance as husband and wife, and then bringing our parents up. My mother-in-law’s words in particular, her hopes for us struck home.

-Funny cake: The bottom layer of the cake was real, the top two were styrofoam covered in frosting. It took both of us with both hands to cut the styrofoam, and whereas I gave her the frosting, I got the non-edible part. I slipped it out of my mouth when eyes were turned away.
-The speeches: From Munya reminding me of the first night I drank that Filipino Four Loko and learning new things about that hazy night myself, to the heartfelt compliments to Tin and my relationship, to my sister discussing our own dynamics growing up, and finally to Ambet quite incorrectly suggesting that Boni and I aren’t funny, the speeches gave us a lot to be proud of, and a lot to look forward to.
-“Congratulations!”: The heat of the day did get to Tin during picture-taking, and as she was queasy, everyone around her couldn’t help but crack pregnant jokes (to be clear we’re not having any children yet).
-“100”: Although we left the festivities early, we could hear Munya’s celebratory shout when he got 100 at videoke.

The Following Days
-Talks: Despite our best efforts, we didn’t get to talk too much to people once the wedding started. That morning we got up early to say goodbye to those heading for a morning flight. For the others we got to sit down and just hang out.
-Instax camera: Stephanie wanted that instax (polaroid) camera really bad, but Brian won it in the end. Their rivalry that morning was fun to watch.
-“Ooh!”: We took a number of the guests with us to Tin’s house. I got a shower, and sort of forgot my new wedding band in the restroom, resulting in a big “ooh!” from everyone.
-Goodbyes: It was bittersweet after so many hello’s, to say as many goodbyes as people had flights and cars to catch.
-ATVs: A group of us rode ATVs through rivers and to the base of the volcano. Although one of our number had an accident, it was overall a fun time with great views.
-Politics, society, and life: A lot of Tin and my relationship is from talking about deep, nuanced topics from the world as well as our own life. It was great talking for hours with Rachel and sharing those conversations with someone else.
-Whale sharks: We did some final touring with my parents and at Legazpi Bay got to see about half-a-dozen whale sharks off the coast.
-A movie and snacks: I watched Maleficient Mistress of Evil with Tin, Stephanie, and their mom, and then after got my snacks to bring back. Mm, mm chili-mansi pancit canton.

-A brief, but full honeymoon: We had our short honeymoon at a place called “Your Brother House”. It was a chance to get away briefly.
-A carrot and giraffe-alligator: Got Tin a carrot and a hybrid alligator-that-turns-into-a-giraffe stuffed toys as a parting gift.
-My car working despite leaving it at the airport parking lot with the “check engine” light on for 18 days.


For part three I’ll talk about being an ally, and some concluding thoughts about our special day.


Saturday, November 2, 2019

Wedding Talk, Part One: Value


Wedding Talk, Part One: Value
As I write this, it’s been about two weeks since my wedding with Tin. The days before, the day of, and the days after were everything I could’ve hoped for and more, with a lot of moments to reflect and learn from.

After trying to figure out how best to split up my many, disparate thoughts into more manageable parts, the first thing that came to mind was the “value” of the wedding, of specifically the event, the ceremony. It’s time, it’s effort, it’s money, weddings are a lot to take on, and aren’t mandatory in this day and age. We could’ve just gotten a legal marriage and be done with it, or keep a celebration to something simple with just a few people.

Perception is Internal
One of the simple wisdoms that’s done a lot of good for me is the awareness that perception happens within our own heads. Our senses (touch, sight, smell, hearing, taste) comes from what’s happening around us, but how we interpret it all is within our control. Warm or hot, pleasant or ugly, delicious or bland, we can choose to look at the glass half full or empty, can even decide how full or empty we make the cups in front of us.

For anyone debating on whether or not to have a formal wedding, my advice is to first ask how much value do you choose to give to the wedding, and secondly what can you do to see as much value as possible. Is the value in the tradition? Is the value in the guests? Is the value in the moment saying, “I do”? The answer will be different for each of us.

For me, it was wonderful getting to see people from different parts of our lives all coming together in the same place. It was great seeing the decisions Tin made that broke from what’s common from her gorgeous blue dress, to the wedding band, to the outdoor venue, to having a non-traditional pastor (more on this in another post) work out so well. It was in getting to see how our special day turned into a special day for others. It was in the affirmation that we’re good people by the words of our family and friends, and the challenge to live up to their hopes for us.



A good shot of Tin’s dress, her band on her left hand, and the outdoor venue behind us.

The Beauty in Imperfection
One thing I can confidently say though is that a wedding is going to have its quirks, its stumbles. I woke up the morning of the wedding on a wooden couch, doing well considering I’d drunken that stupid Filipino version of a Four Loko the night before. There was some antics with some horses trying to eat everyone’s breakfast (not a metaphor). The part of the cake we tried to cut was styrofoam (the actual cake in a different layer). They make for good stories.

We are also imperfect. One thing that came up a couple of times during the speeches was my history of being bad at asking girls out. I mean, on one level it’s pretty clear that any crushes or relationships I had prior to Tin didn’t work out, which gave me the chance to make it work with her. On a more personal level it was a humbling reminder of my past awkwardness, insecurities, and less-than-compelling foot I’d put forward, and that though I can’t say I’m cured of it all, I’ve worked on it and continue to do so. This reminder of my own imperfection once again was not anything that spoiled the day, or tarnished a good time, but made me grateful for where I am now. It was a chance to laugh at myself with everyone else.

For anyone looking for a “perfect day”, I’d say be prepared for something to not go according to plan, and to remember that nothing in our lives is ever without its hurdles so why should a wedding be any different?

This is not the picture of the perfect man who’s conquered all, but is still figuring it out day by day, hour by hour.

Not Just One Day
One warning I will give is that the wedding itself is a difficult time to try to spend with everyone else. Tin and I removed some of the traditions to make for a shorter overall event, to try to spend more of the evening with our guests, but it still ran long. The pictures, the ceremony, more pictures, the reception, and pictures all required our attention, and we really didn’t spend much time with our guests.

We did it before and after.

Spending some days before the wedding to see those people who live close by, and spending a day or two after with those further away, gave us the time to catch up with those we love, to go a couple adventures, to just relax and talk about future plans and socioeconomic issues in the world. When I talk about our wedding, the week before and after are a part of it in my mind, and just as important as the day of the wedding itself.

The day after the wedding, riding ATVs with the volcano in the background.

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I have a couple more parts planned. The next one will be a list of those genuine, memorable moments. The last one will be my thoughts on being an ally, as that was a very central part of our wedding.





Monday, July 22, 2019

Interests vs. Positions, A Discussion on Negotiation (and Blog Update)


Interests vs. Positions, A Discussion on Negotiation (and Blog Update)

Negotiation: A discussion aimed at reaching an agreement

One thing I’ve covered lightly in other blog posts before is the idea of interests and positions. I was asked if I could elaborate on the concepts. For full transparency, these are concepts I picked up from Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury. It’s a great book, and a pretty quick read so I highly recommend it.

We Do Negotiation Wrong
Whether it is scoring points in a debate club, pundits talking about which candidate won off of having the best talking points, or trying to prove ourselves right/the other person wrong, we don’t negotiate in a way that’s effective most of the time. There are no “points” in real life, debates are only one piece of the puzzle for successful campaigns, and most of the time life isn’t so neat and orderly as to give us one winner/correct person and one loser/incorrect person.

The underlying problem is that we treat negotiations as a contest, but if we look at the definition above, a contest is not the best means to accomplish the goal of reaching an agreement. This holds true in the short term in that if all sides of the negotiation are focused on winning, we commonly end up in a situation where no one is willing to lose and nothing is accomplished. This also holds true in the long term in that tallying up who’s won more or not over time creates an expectation of adversity.

How to Find the Interests
It boils down to “WHY”.

WHY does it matter who does a certain chore? Is it a matter of everyone doing their part, or a matter of who does it better, or a matter of some sort of change like a person being busier/stressed/needing some support?

WHY does it matter what color the furniture will be? It is purely what will look better, a question of who is in charge to make decision, concerns about cost?

WHY are we upset by what the other person said? Did we take it personally? Was it something we discussed before? Was it more in how the words were said instead of the actual words?

It is about turning the conversation from who is doing the chores into if we are all contributing, or doing things correctly, or recognizing a life change. With who is doing the chore, there are limited options, a few fixed positions, either Person A or Person B will do it, occasionally both may, or even Person C if they exist. With the three potential interests, there is more flexibility to find common ground, to be creative. If it’s about contributing, maybe someone can help with an alternate chore, or step it up in some other way. If it’s about doing things correctly, maybe the less-talented person can learn and improve. If it’s about a life change, it may just boil down to talking it out and giving emotional support.

Different Interests
What often happens is that we go into a negotiation with very different interests. It’s what can lead to such heated arguments in the first place. One person is talking about principles, while another is trying to talk about tangible effects. Both may very well be right, or at least have good points, but can’t understand each other because they’re fixated on their own interests.

Have both conversations. Talk about the principles AND talk about the tangible effects. Talk about the first as much as needed, then the second, then re-address the first if need be, so on and so forth.

Of course, the differences in interests may be incompatible. Interests give a greater chance to reach an agreement than positions, but it is by no means guaranteed. Even then, talking about interests tends to be less contentious, as it gives us the chance to express ourselves better, helps us understand the other side even if we don’t agree, and there are often some ways to reach a partial agreement if not a full one.

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Blog Updates and Changes
There’s been a couple life changes since my last blog update.

The first is that I am now an official member of ICMA (International City Manager’s Association). It’s a professional association with its own code of ethics, one of them regarding staying out of politics that undermine public confidence in administrators. As such, so long as I’m a member and following those rules I will refrain from digging into or mentioning partisan politics whether a political party or individual candidate. Anything I’ve posted before will stay up, written when I had no such professional boundary and there’s no need to retroactively go back. After all, anyone who looks at my resume will see I worked for the Obama Campaign in 2008, and just as I won’t cross that off, no need to go back on anything else written before.

Secondly, I’ve started to write blogs for a group called ELGL (Engaging Local Government Leaders), which can be found here: https://elgl.org/. I’ve already contributed a few posts this year, with plans to do my own “series” once I start the next graduate degree come 2020. As such, I’ll probably post less often as I have a new avenue to post my ideas. This blog will still be used for more personal ideas and experiences. Also, one thing I’ve picked up is that blog posts traditionally are 500-1,000 words, which I’ve gone way, way over before. No promises, but will probably practice making future blog posts shorter to keep in line with this. 


Saturday, May 18, 2019

A Talk About my Cross-Cultural Relationship, Part Three (Distance)


A Talk About my Cross-Cultural Relationship, Part Three (Distance)
Originally this was planned to be just one blog post, but after my fiancĂ©e looked it over asked  me to split it into two parts. Then I received a request from someone asking if I could also touch on the long-distance relationship part of it, how we’ve made it work. I admit hearing that both what I wrote was helpful and to receive a request like that is both empowering and troubling. On one hand, it feels good that what I wrote helped someone out. On the other, it is a reminder to continue to be mindful of what I post, that I do have a responsibility for it.

I think one important piece of context is that Tin and I started our relationship on the opposite sides of the world. We started dating October 2015. and didn’t actually have our first date in person until a few months later in January. For us, it wasn’t a matter of figuring out how to adjust our relationship from being together to being apart, but really much the opposite as slowly but surely we’ve been able to be together for longer periods of time.

The Right Sized “Net”
I’ve met people who have no problem with the idea of distance relationships, and others who say they could never do it. I think both are probably right. It’s really about our own individual values and priorities, and what a long-distance relationship means. How important is physical intimacy? How important is it to date in person doing things together? Holidays, good times, bad times, however important it is, however big of a “fish” the challenge is, will depend on the couple. It’s trying to find the balance between not underestimating the challenge, but also not giving more power to the distance than it deserves. It’s finding the right sized “net” for the “fish”.

For Tin and I, I think we started off just fine. When we started dating I had a full-time job and graduate school. I didn’t really have the time to go out a lot even if I wanted to. Tin already had a good social network of friends to hang out with boyfriend or not. Our circumstances, both the good things and the struggles, made it so it wasn’t as big a challenge as it might be for others.

Tools at our Disposal
As I mentioned in Part 1, under Techno-Geographic (made up term), we have a lot of tools at our disposal. Social media, video chats, texting apps, the list goes on and on. It’s not the same, it’s not everything that would be available if we were together, but the tools are there nevertheless.
·       Facebook, Viber, and Skype: These are the three apps/sites we use to talk to each other almost every day. Sometimes one won’t be working well so we have to switch to another. Viber’s more convenient on the phone, Skype on the computer, Facebook somewhere in between.
·       Hobbies: Two of the things we do together while apart were coloring and cooking. We both download and print out the same picture or look up the same recipe and make the meal at the same time. A couple of times we streamed a movie or video at the same time. There’s plenty of other hobbies from weaving baskets, to online games, to reading a book that can be shared at a distance.
·       Stories: “How’d your day go?” or any variation of the question is something that’s let Tin and I talk almost every day for the passed three-years and seven-months. One silver lining as being apart is that we get to retell our day to each other. For the most part, our long-distance relationship was talking about life events, what happened, how we felt, what next. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but at least it’s one more tool.

$Money$
Regardless of how much money we have, it is a factor of being in a distance relationship. In particular it’s when to visit, who’s going where, and who’s going to pay. Despite our distance, we’ve been able to see each other about twice a year. As mentioned in the other two parts, this is rarely a fair and balanced situation and is something that can change. A plane ticket between the U.S. and Philippines is certainly more affordable on an average U.S. salary. However, for a span of time I was unemployed while Tin had a well-paying, secure job.

Who has vacation time off? Which partner has an easier time getting to the other person’s country? Where do we want to go? These questions play a large part too, but probably the biggest one is who will pay. It’s not always an easy conversation, but one better figured out sooner than later.

The Choice
We’ve all known the friend in a bad relationship who can’t quite bring themselves to end it. We’ve all known the friend in a good relationship that comes across some sort of hurdle or impasse and struggles to keep it going. A long-distance relationship can certainly fall under either. I think that a lot of times long-distanced relationships are portrayed as disempowering, of not being able to be “there” for the other person, of having restraints we can’t overcome. True or not, one thing we do have power over is the choice, the choice to do all we can to make it work, or the choice to walk away if that’s the right thing for one person or both.

That is probably the bottom line of what made it work between Tin and me, and why we’ll be tying the knot in October. We both chose to stay together. Regardless of the cultural differences, the distance, the everyday challenges any couple faces, we took enough ownership of our relationship. We defined it by things within our control instead of what we couldn’t, and chose to be together.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

A Talk About my Cross-Cultural Relationship, Part Two (The Tips)

A Talk About my Cross-Cultural Relationship, Part Two (The Tips)
Before I posted the first part of this two-part blog post, I did consult with Tin (my fiancĂ©) to make sure what I wrote, though certainly from my perspective, was something she could get behind as well. The one big change she asked for wasn’t to remove or rephrase everything, but to take what was originally some “quick tips”, and expand on them in a part two.

Whereas the first post was meant as a summary of societal and other factors that have shaped our relationship, here’s a list of things that have helped our relationship. It’s not an exhaustive list nor is this any declaration that our relationship is perfect. It’s only things that help brighten our relationship in subtle, small ways, and help us overcome the challenges we face.

1. Cultural Differences can be an Opportunity
If cultural differences are seen as a burden, if we love our partner “in spite” of the cultural differences, it will be difficult. Instead, I’d strongly recommend seeing other cultures in a more open, more accepting way. It can be a learning opportunity, a chance for growth.

It’s easier said than done, and whenever I give the 2-minute elevator pitch about my experience in Peace Corps, I make a point to mention that working with other cultures (and playing by THEIR rules as opposed to our own) can be a humbling, trying experience that makes us feel like a child as we have to relearn some basic assumptions about how things work. I also make a point to say how rewarding an experience it can be, to learn new ways to view ourselves, the world, and life.

One example is learning how my own optimism isn’t so universal as I thought. Was it difficult at first to understand? Sure. Was it annoying realizing perhaps I’m not as positive as I once thought? Definitely. Did it make me more self-aware, better comprehending my own outlook on life and how it can be interpreted? Certainly.

2. Search for the Context
Sometimes there are beliefs, behaviors, perceptions that seem incomprehensible at first glance. Rather than jump to conclusions, look for the context of it as there is almost always an explanation to be found. We all live off of different assumptions and beliefs, across cultures it’s more profound.

It takes a leap of faith though. It is accepting that how we’re perceiving a situation isn’t necessarily right, or at least not fully right. It is coming at the unknown with a sense of genuine curiosity as opposed to disdain, mistrust, or a patronizing smugness. It requires us to step outside our own cultural expectations.

One early thing I had to find context for was when Tin would ask for my permission to go out. We were living on opposite sides of the world, I took the question a bit literally and felt like, “What am I going to do? Take a 24 hour series of plane rides and layovers to stop you from going out this evening?” There was also the discomfort of not wanting to tell a grown woman what she can and can’t do. Machisimo is a bigger thing in the Philippines (not saying it doesn’t exist in the U.S. as well), and past boyfriends of Tin’s really did try to put their foot down whether she’d go out with friends. There was context. There were cultural norms and personal history behind what I didn’t understand, which gave me the knowledge to better say, “All right, I see that this is what’s happened in the past, but that’s not how I am.”

3. Be Constructive, Thoughtful and Non-Judgmental about Criticisms
Be constructive, thoughtful, and non-judgmental about criticisms. Whether we want it or not, we have cultural differences that regardless of our best intentions we won’t like. That’s all right. Just as we each have things we don’t care for within our own respective cultures, so too is it natural to disagree, be offended by, hold criticism for others.

The tricky, but important, part is to be critical in a way that is honest, but not abrasive, that is well-intended, but not arrogant. It is about not liking certain aspects of a culture, but still appreciating the culture and people as a whole.

 As an example, I don’t care for how common it is in the Philippines for people to talk about people being overweight or dark-skinned so openly. This body-shaming is something I grew up learning was rude. It’s not something Tin really does, but it still wouldn’t be good for our relationship if I go overboard though, if I started to claim “Filipinos are racist because they point out people skin tone and have whitening cream!” That comment generalizes all Filipinos, it condemns them, it puts me in a place of moral authority over them. A much better (and accurate) way of speaking about it is more along the lines of, “Where I’m from, we find it insensitive to call out people for physical traits, so it’s something I’m uncomfortable with and don’t really agree with when I see it”. I make it about myself, I explain why, I don’t fully accept the difference, but neither do I go over the top with my criticism.

4. Accept Criticisms in Return
No culture is perfect, and often times there are issues or at least grey areas where we didn’t realize there were with our own society. There are things we take for granted that might be a problem for someone else. Don’t be defensive, but instead be open, listen, ask questions in return to better understand the criticisms offered.

Sometimes it’s easy. It doesn’t really phase me when discussing how in America, we’re not as family-oriented, on average we will put other things first and are more likely to be estranged with cousins, aunts, uncles, more extended family (once again emphasizing on average) than other countries. There are other things though that it’s not as easy, when things we value in our own culture are challenged.

One example is expectations. In America we tend to expect a lot out of service, at least to a degree. Faster transportation, friendly help, quicker lines. The typical American response is when we lack these things to get assertive, frustrated, to consider how it could be better. Although I can certainly agree that the stereotypical entitled American wanted things handed on a silver platter is much, but one thing Tin pointed out to me is even if I keep my cool, even if I accept things mostly, do I really need to think of ways it can be better? Is it not enough to accept the world as it is and move on?

5. Be Considerate of Power-Dynamics
As mentioned in part one, there are different political, economic, techno-geographical, etc. factors at play, and in the end things are rarely fair for couples across cultures. There is usually one nation, country, society that is more dominant. Whether we think it’s right or not, it is a reality that we contend with.

As much as we Americans love our sense of fairness, part of being in a cross-cultural relationship is accepting that there is uneven footing at times. We can always work to find compromises, balance things out, find our middle grounds, but not every issue or decision has a 50/50 option available to us.

It makes logical sense for Tin to, at least for now, look to move to the U.S. permanently once the process and paperwork is done as opposed to me going to the Philippines and live there. Financially and professionally there are more options here for both of us, and that’s not a fair situation. It is Tin sacrificing more, to leave what’s familiar to her behind. However, I want to emphasize “for now” though. Just because it’s logical though doesn’t mean it’s what it has to always be, nor does it lessen what Tin will be doing for our relationship.

6. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Never assume you’ve figured it all out, that there’s always something else to learn, teach, and communicate about. Even if we figure out everything there is, there’s always new situations, new environments, new decisions to be made, any of which can be viewed and interpreted in different ways.

There isn’t an end to it. At least, if there’s some sort of light at the end of the tunnel with a pure, perfect understanding we haven’t reached it yet and that’s all right. I imagine that communication is more a part of life, just like eating and breathing it’s something we have to do. Just as we don’t say “Gosh, do I really have to breath air today, as I always do?” it feels almost as absurd to think communication has some sort of end to it.

One thing that came up at the end of last year was my decision to take a second Masters degree. We’d agreed that we would “put the wedding first”, but whereas for me I treated it as a financial scenario, that once we were set in paying for the wedding then I could look into taking classes, Tin saw it as a matter time commitment, to not have a big distraction (which it will be) get in the way. We had to talk it through, figure out where the root of the misunderstanding was, and figure it out.

7. We are Influenced by our Culture. We are not Defined by It.
We do not live in a vacuum, the world around us does impact us regardless of whether we want it to or not. Even if we defy some aspect of our society, that defiance is still a direct reaction to how we’ve been influenced. However, it is those differences, what we choose to adhere to and not, what subtle nuanced ways we live up to, fall short of, and surpass expectations set upon us that we find our individuality.

It becomes a grey area of how much to attribute to an individual and what to say is “cultural”. In many cases the answer can be both or neither. In practice, trying to separate our “true self” and our upbringing end up linked too tight together to neatly categorize.

One way in which Tin stands apart from cultural stereotypes is her intelligence and ambition. She was told more than once that she wouldn’t be able to marry because she’d intimidate men who would either try to drag her down to their level or feel inadequate not being able to keep up. Did it stop Tin from being herself? No, but it did lead to some early conversations in our relationship where I had to assure her I wasn’t going to be intimidated like that, and I’d support her.

8. Engage the Other Culture
Read up on the other culture. Learn about it. Go to the place. Experience it. Although as I stated above things aren’t usually so fair for things to be 50/50, that doesn’t mean that both partners can’t at least make some genuine steps to try things outside their comfort zone (or within their comfort zone too).

Tin and I have the benefit of already engaging in each other’s cultures. I lived in the Philippines as a Peace Corps Volunteer for three years. She worked for the Peace Corps, a US government agency engaging American volunteers daily. It’s gone a long way to help us better understand each other.

We can always do more. I can tune up on my Tagalog (or even Bicol, her regional dialect). There’s more things I can show Tin that are distinctly American. As with other things, it’s not so much about meeting a certain benchmark and then calling it good. It’s about finding new ways to do a little more.

9. Don’t Underestimate the Small Things
A quick lesson from Peace Corps is that most of the time it’s not big, overt differences that can lead to problems but many small things added up. It’s the added weight of speaking a different language, of trying to look for nonverbal cues, for having to do daily tasks in a different way than we’re used to that can leave a Volunteer feeling tired at the end of the day. Volunteers come prepared for dramatic, romanticized differences, not the small stresses from the small things.

It’s the same for a relationship. All those small things like chores, the room’s arrangement, what simple ways to show affection, small things that alone might not make or break things, but with a dozen other similar matters can. Besides, what is small to us might not be for someone else.

Not wearing the shoes inside the apartment, fixing the bed, replying to texts, saying three daily gratitudes before going to bed, these are just a few examples of small changes I made but have probably paid off in bigger ways as each new shift in attitude opens us up more.

10. It’s Still a Relationship
Some of what I’ve said likely applies to any relationship. Probably just about any good relationship advice will have some merit regardless of culture with a little flexibility and tweaking. Going full circle, being in a cross-cultural relationship is an opportunity a means to better understand ourselves in another context, not some daunting hurdle unless we make it that way.

11. Don’t be an Ass
Eat the lechon (the roasted pork in the video from the first part). Don’t be overly dramatic about the differences. Be open. Be supportive. Be cool. And things will be better.

In Summary
Having a cross-cultural relationship has been worth it for me. What I’d encourage anyone reading this is as with most my blog posts to recognize the nuances, the opportunities, the challenges, that like most things there are no easy answers but answers that need to be made nevertheless. I’m sure as our relationship continues, as more changes come I’ll find even more lessons learned and things to share, but for now I think this is a pretty good summary of it.