Wedding Talk, Part Three: Being an
Ally
Our pastor
was from the Open Table Metropolitan Community Church in Manila, a group that
focuses on LGBT outreach and advocacy, and normally does LGBT,
non-legally-binding weddings for them. Many of our entourage were openly LGBT.
Our wedding itself was between the two of us from different nationalities and
races. There certainly was a theme of openness and acceptance, and something I
feel is worth talking a bit about.
A Matter of Convenience
Development
work has a large number of people who belong to not-privileged demographics,
both on the professionals’ side and the recipients as well. As such, we’ve met
many friends, developed a “tribe”, “extended family”, whatever term we want to
use, that face social stigma and challenges that we don’t. Choosing Open Table
was less of a bold, daring political stand, and more of trying to find a group
that would be accommodating to our guests. We didn’t want someone who’d
overemphasize “one man and one woman” or “only through Jesus Christ” when both
comments however well-intended wouldn’t apply to everyone we care about.
It was
convenience.
For me, this
is part of being an ally, where it’s less about some great sacrifice on behalf
of others, and more realizing that kindness and inclusion makes all of our
lives a little bit better. It’s not just “their” fight, it’s “our” fight, their
happiness and well-being a complement, not a deterrent, to ours.
Balancing Humility and Pride
There were a
few people who after the wedding expressed some truly genuine thanks to us, for
feeling safe and welcome. One person achieved a life goal of being a flower
girl. On one hand it did fill me with pride to be a part of that, for our
wedding to mean so much to others in this way. On the other hand, it didn’t
feel like much, that what we did paled in comparison to the struggles they’ve
had.
It’s both.
We all see
the world with varying degrees of weight. What is important or difficult or
frightening for one person is casual or easy or simple to another. Part of
being an ally is being aware of this, that many of the things we take for
granted, actions and thoughts that may take little to no effort, can be what
matters most for other people. It is accepting that effort and outcome are not
always perfectly aligned and that just as we can fight hard and make little
ground, so too can we just say something nice and push the needle forward.
A Journey, not a Destination
Just as our
wedding was one step along Tin and my story together, so too was the wedding in
regards to being an ally. We did something good, we did something progressive
and thoughtful, but it isn’t some sort of victory lap where we can now declare
we’re done. Our inclusion was based on experiences and friendships that have
grown over years, and we’ll continue to grow as people and professionals to
continue the good work.
It doesn’t
end.
One thing I
do understand from skeptics is the common reaction of how tired they are over
“PC culture”, and having to second guess everything they do and say. My
response is usually along the lines of, “Well… yeah. It is tiring, and it can
be a lot to think about, but that’s the point.” People who aren’t accepted by
society have that weight on their shoulders constantly, and I can only imagine
it’s even harder than whatever challenge those of us more accepting have trying
to be more actively aware and mindful.
-
Concluding Thoughts
I don’t feel
that life has changed all that much. Wearing a wedding band is new, and I’m
getting a hang of what things I can do with it on, and when I should take it
off. Then again, Tin won’t be moving in until January, so that part of our new
life is still to come.
Coming full
circle, it all boils down to choice, to perception. Are we champions for the underserved, or just people trying to figure things out ourselves? Were
the trips and stumbles things we can smile about or cringe about in hindsight?
As we move forward, will our wedding serve as an important time we fall back
on, or will it fade away in exchange for more recent memories? There’s truth in
all our options, and we’ll choose which truth to live by one day at a time.
