Before I posted the first part of this two-part blog post, I did consult with Tin (my fiancé) to make sure what I wrote, though certainly from my perspective, was something she could get behind as well. The one big change she asked for wasn’t to remove or rephrase everything, but to take what was originally some “quick tips”, and expand on them in a part two.
Whereas the first post was meant as a summary of societal and other factors that have shaped our relationship, here’s a list of things that have helped our relationship. It’s not an exhaustive list nor is this any declaration that our relationship is perfect. It’s only things that help brighten our relationship in subtle, small ways, and help us overcome the challenges we face.
1. Cultural Differences can be an Opportunity
If cultural differences are seen as a burden, if we love our partner “in spite” of the cultural differences, it will be difficult. Instead, I’d strongly recommend seeing other cultures in a more open, more accepting way. It can be a learning opportunity, a chance for growth.
It’s easier said than done, and whenever I give the 2-minute elevator pitch about my experience in Peace Corps, I make a point to mention that working with other cultures (and playing by THEIR rules as opposed to our own) can be a humbling, trying experience that makes us feel like a child as we have to relearn some basic assumptions about how things work. I also make a point to say how rewarding an experience it can be, to learn new ways to view ourselves, the world, and life.
One example is learning how my own optimism isn’t so universal as I thought. Was it difficult at first to understand? Sure. Was it annoying realizing perhaps I’m not as positive as I once thought? Definitely. Did it make me more self-aware, better comprehending my own outlook on life and how it can be interpreted? Certainly.
2. Search for the Context
Sometimes there are beliefs, behaviors, perceptions that seem incomprehensible at first glance. Rather than jump to conclusions, look for the context of it as there is almost always an explanation to be found. We all live off of different assumptions and beliefs, across cultures it’s more profound.
It takes a leap of faith though. It is accepting that how we’re perceiving a situation isn’t necessarily right, or at least not fully right. It is coming at the unknown with a sense of genuine curiosity as opposed to disdain, mistrust, or a patronizing smugness. It requires us to step outside our own cultural expectations.
One early thing I had to find context for was when Tin would ask for my permission to go out. We were living on opposite sides of the world, I took the question a bit literally and felt like, “What am I going to do? Take a 24 hour series of plane rides and layovers to stop you from going out this evening?” There was also the discomfort of not wanting to tell a grown woman what she can and can’t do. Machisimo is a bigger thing in the Philippines (not saying it doesn’t exist in the U.S. as well), and past boyfriends of Tin’s really did try to put their foot down whether she’d go out with friends. There was context. There were cultural norms and personal history behind what I didn’t understand, which gave me the knowledge to better say, “All right, I see that this is what’s happened in the past, but that’s not how I am.”
3. Be Constructive, Thoughtful and Non-Judgmental about Criticisms
Be constructive, thoughtful, and non-judgmental about criticisms. Whether we want it or not, we have cultural differences that regardless of our best intentions we won’t like. That’s all right. Just as we each have things we don’t care for within our own respective cultures, so too is it natural to disagree, be offended by, hold criticism for others.
The tricky, but important, part is to be critical in a way that is honest, but not abrasive, that is well-intended, but not arrogant. It is about not liking certain aspects of a culture, but still appreciating the culture and people as a whole.
As an example, I don’t care for how common it is in the Philippines for people to talk about people being overweight or dark-skinned so openly. This body-shaming is something I grew up learning was rude. It’s not something Tin really does, but it still wouldn’t be good for our relationship if I go overboard though, if I started to claim “Filipinos are racist because they point out people skin tone and have whitening cream!” That comment generalizes all Filipinos, it condemns them, it puts me in a place of moral authority over them. A much better (and accurate) way of speaking about it is more along the lines of, “Where I’m from, we find it insensitive to call out people for physical traits, so it’s something I’m uncomfortable with and don’t really agree with when I see it”. I make it about myself, I explain why, I don’t fully accept the difference, but neither do I go over the top with my criticism.
4. Accept Criticisms in Return
No culture is perfect, and often times there are issues or at least grey areas where we didn’t realize there were with our own society. There are things we take for granted that might be a problem for someone else. Don’t be defensive, but instead be open, listen, ask questions in return to better understand the criticisms offered.
Sometimes it’s easy. It doesn’t really phase me when discussing how in America, we’re not as family-oriented, on average we will put other things first and are more likely to be estranged with cousins, aunts, uncles, more extended family (once again emphasizing on average) than other countries. There are other things though that it’s not as easy, when things we value in our own culture are challenged.
One example is expectations. In America we tend to expect a lot out of service, at least to a degree. Faster transportation, friendly help, quicker lines. The typical American response is when we lack these things to get assertive, frustrated, to consider how it could be better. Although I can certainly agree that the stereotypical entitled American wanted things handed on a silver platter is much, but one thing Tin pointed out to me is even if I keep my cool, even if I accept things mostly, do I really need to think of ways it can be better? Is it not enough to accept the world as it is and move on?
5. Be Considerate of Power-Dynamics
As mentioned in part one, there are different political, economic, techno-geographical, etc. factors at play, and in the end things are rarely fair for couples across cultures. There is usually one nation, country, society that is more dominant. Whether we think it’s right or not, it is a reality that we contend with.
As much as we Americans love our sense of fairness, part of being in a cross-cultural relationship is accepting that there is uneven footing at times. We can always work to find compromises, balance things out, find our middle grounds, but not every issue or decision has a 50/50 option available to us.
It makes logical sense for Tin to, at least for now, look to move to the U.S. permanently once the process and paperwork is done as opposed to me going to the Philippines and live there. Financially and professionally there are more options here for both of us, and that’s not a fair situation. It is Tin sacrificing more, to leave what’s familiar to her behind. However, I want to emphasize “for now” though. Just because it’s logical though doesn’t mean it’s what it has to always be, nor does it lessen what Tin will be doing for our relationship.
6. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Never assume you’ve figured it all out, that there’s always something else to learn, teach, and communicate about. Even if we figure out everything there is, there’s always new situations, new environments, new decisions to be made, any of which can be viewed and interpreted in different ways.
There isn’t an end to it. At least, if there’s some sort of light at the end of the tunnel with a pure, perfect understanding we haven’t reached it yet and that’s all right. I imagine that communication is more a part of life, just like eating and breathing it’s something we have to do. Just as we don’t say “Gosh, do I really have to breath air today, as I always do?” it feels almost as absurd to think communication has some sort of end to it.
One thing that came up at the end of last year was my decision to take a second Masters degree. We’d agreed that we would “put the wedding first”, but whereas for me I treated it as a financial scenario, that once we were set in paying for the wedding then I could look into taking classes, Tin saw it as a matter time commitment, to not have a big distraction (which it will be) get in the way. We had to talk it through, figure out where the root of the misunderstanding was, and figure it out.
7. We are Influenced by our Culture. We are not Defined by It.
We do not live in a vacuum, the world around us does impact us regardless of whether we want it to or not. Even if we defy some aspect of our society, that defiance is still a direct reaction to how we’ve been influenced. However, it is those differences, what we choose to adhere to and not, what subtle nuanced ways we live up to, fall short of, and surpass expectations set upon us that we find our individuality.
It becomes a grey area of how much to attribute to an individual and what to say is “cultural”. In many cases the answer can be both or neither. In practice, trying to separate our “true self” and our upbringing end up linked too tight together to neatly categorize.
One way in which Tin stands apart from cultural stereotypes is her intelligence and ambition. She was told more than once that she wouldn’t be able to marry because she’d intimidate men who would either try to drag her down to their level or feel inadequate not being able to keep up. Did it stop Tin from being herself? No, but it did lead to some early conversations in our relationship where I had to assure her I wasn’t going to be intimidated like that, and I’d support her.
8. Engage the Other Culture
Read up on the other culture. Learn about it. Go to the place. Experience it. Although as I stated above things aren’t usually so fair for things to be 50/50, that doesn’t mean that both partners can’t at least make some genuine steps to try things outside their comfort zone (or within their comfort zone too).
Tin and I have the benefit of already engaging in each other’s cultures. I lived in the Philippines as a Peace Corps Volunteer for three years. She worked for the Peace Corps, a US government agency engaging American volunteers daily. It’s gone a long way to help us better understand each other.
We can always do more. I can tune up on my Tagalog (or even Bicol, her regional dialect). There’s more things I can show Tin that are distinctly American. As with other things, it’s not so much about meeting a certain benchmark and then calling it good. It’s about finding new ways to do a little more.
9. Don’t Underestimate the Small Things
A quick lesson from Peace Corps is that most of the time it’s not big, overt differences that can lead to problems but many small things added up. It’s the added weight of speaking a different language, of trying to look for nonverbal cues, for having to do daily tasks in a different way than we’re used to that can leave a Volunteer feeling tired at the end of the day. Volunteers come prepared for dramatic, romanticized differences, not the small stresses from the small things.
It’s the same for a relationship. All those small things like chores, the room’s arrangement, what simple ways to show affection, small things that alone might not make or break things, but with a dozen other similar matters can. Besides, what is small to us might not be for someone else.
Not wearing the shoes inside the apartment, fixing the bed, replying to texts, saying three daily gratitudes before going to bed, these are just a few examples of small changes I made but have probably paid off in bigger ways as each new shift in attitude opens us up more.
10. It’s Still a Relationship
Some of what I’ve said likely applies to any relationship. Probably just about any good relationship advice will have some merit regardless of culture with a little flexibility and tweaking. Going full circle, being in a cross-cultural relationship is an opportunity a means to better understand ourselves in another context, not some daunting hurdle unless we make it that way.
11. Don’t be an Ass
Eat the lechon (the roasted pork in the video from the first part). Don’t be overly dramatic about the differences. Be open. Be supportive. Be cool. And things will be better.
In Summary
Having a cross-cultural relationship has been worth it for me. What I’d encourage anyone reading this is as with most my blog posts to recognize the nuances, the opportunities, the challenges, that like most things there are no easy answers but answers that need to be made nevertheless. I’m sure as our relationship continues, as more changes come I’ll find even more lessons learned and things to share, but for now I think this is a pretty good summary of it.
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