Wedding Talk, Part Three: Being an Ally

Wedding Talk, Part Three: Being an Ally

Our pastor was from the Open Table Metropolitan Community Church in Manila, a group that focuses on LGBT outreach and advocacy, and normally does LGBT, non-legally-binding weddings for them. Many of our entourage were openly LGBT. Our wedding itself was between the two of us from different nationalities and races. There certainly was a theme of openness and acceptance, and something I feel is worth talking a bit about.

A Matter of Convenience

Development work has a large number of people who belong to not-privileged demographics, both on the professionals’ side and the recipients as well. As such, we’ve met many friends, developed a “tribe”, “extended family”, whatever term we want to use, that face social stigma and challenges that we don’t. Choosing Open Table was less of a bold, daring political stand, and more of trying to find a group that would be accommodating to our guests. We didn’t want someone who’d overemphasize “one man and one woman” or “only through Jesus Christ” when both comments however well-intended wouldn’t apply to everyone we care about.

It was convenience.

For me, this is part of being an ally, where it’s less about some great sacrifice on behalf of others, and more realizing that kindness and inclusion makes all of our lives a little bit better. It’s not just “their” fight, it’s “our” fight, their happiness and well-being a complement, not a deterrent, to ours.

Balancing Humility and Pride

There were a few people who after the wedding expressed some truly genuine thanks to us, for feeling safe and welcome. One person achieved a life goal of being a flower girl. On one hand it did fill me with pride to be a part of that, for our wedding to mean so much to others in this way. On the other hand, it didn’t feel like much, that what we did paled in comparison to the struggles they’ve had.

It’s both.

We all see the world with varying degrees of weight. What is important or difficult or frightening for one person is casual or easy or simple to another. Part of being an ally is being aware of this, that many of the things we take for granted, actions and thoughts that may take little to no effort, can be what matters most for other people. It is accepting that effort and outcome are not always perfectly aligned and that just as we can fight hard and make little ground, so too can we just say something nice and push the needle forward.

A Journey, not a Destination

Just as our wedding was one step along Tin and my story together, so too was the wedding in regards to being an ally. We did something good, we did something progressive and thoughtful, but it isn’t some sort of victory lap where we can now declare we’re done. Our inclusion was based on experiences and friendships that have grown over years, and we’ll continue to grow as people and professionals to continue the good work.

It doesn’t end.

One thing I do understand from skeptics is the common reaction of how tired they are over “PC culture”, and having to second guess everything they do and say. My response is usually along the lines of, “Well… yeah. It is tiring, and it can be a lot to think about, but that’s the point.” People who aren’t accepted by society have that weight on their shoulders constantly, and I can only imagine it’s even harder than whatever challenge those of us more accepting have trying to be more actively aware and mindful.

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Concluding Thoughts

I don’t feel that life has changed all that much. Wearing a wedding band is new, and I’m getting a hang of what things I can do with it on, and when I should take it off. Then again, Tin won’t be moving in until January, so that part of our new life is still to come.

Coming full circle, it all boils down to choice, to perception. Are we champions for the underserved, or just people trying to figure things out ourselves? Were the trips and stumbles things we can smile about or cringe about in hindsight? As we move forward, will our wedding serve as an important time we fall back on, or will it fade away in exchange for more recent memories? There’s truth in all our options, and we’ll choose which truth to live by one day at a time.