A Talk About my
Cross-Cultural Relationship, Part Three (Distance)
Originally this was planned to be just one blog post, but
after my fiancée looked it over asked me
to split it into two parts. Then I received a request from someone asking if I
could also touch on the long-distance relationship part of it, how we’ve made
it work. I admit hearing that both what I wrote was helpful and to receive a
request like that is both empowering and troubling. On one hand, it feels good
that what I wrote helped someone out. On the other, it is a reminder to
continue to be mindful of what I post, that I do have a responsibility for it.
I think one important piece of context is that Tin and I
started our relationship on the opposite sides of the world. We started dating
October 2015. and didn’t actually have our first date in person until a few
months later in January. For us, it wasn’t a matter of figuring out how to
adjust our relationship from being together to being apart, but really much the
opposite as slowly but surely we’ve been able to be together for longer periods
of time.
The Right Sized “Net”
I’ve met people who have no problem with the idea of distance
relationships, and others who say they could never do it. I think both are
probably right. It’s really about our own individual values and priorities, and
what a long-distance relationship means. How important is physical intimacy?
How important is it to date in person doing things together? Holidays, good
times, bad times, however important it is, however big of a “fish” the
challenge is, will depend on the couple. It’s trying to find the balance
between not underestimating the challenge, but also not giving more power to
the distance than it deserves. It’s finding the right sized “net” for the
“fish”.
For Tin and I, I think we started off just fine. When we
started dating I had a full-time job and graduate school. I didn’t really have
the time to go out a lot even if I wanted to. Tin already had a good social
network of friends to hang out with boyfriend or not. Our circumstances, both
the good things and the struggles, made it so it wasn’t as big a challenge as
it might be for others.
Tools at our Disposal
As I mentioned in Part 1, under Techno-Geographic (made up
term), we have a lot of tools at our disposal. Social media, video chats,
texting apps, the list goes on and on. It’s not the same, it’s not everything
that would be available if we were together, but the tools are there
nevertheless.
·
Facebook,
Viber, and Skype: These are the three apps/sites we use to talk to each other
almost every day. Sometimes one won’t be working well so we have to switch to
another. Viber’s more convenient on the phone, Skype on the computer, Facebook
somewhere in between.
·
Hobbies:
Two of the things we do together while apart were coloring and cooking. We both
download and print out the same picture or look up the same recipe and make the
meal at the same time. A couple of times we streamed a movie or video at the
same time. There’s plenty of other hobbies from weaving baskets, to online
games, to reading a book that can be shared at a distance.
·
Stories:
“How’d your day go?” or any variation of the question is something that’s let
Tin and I talk almost every day for the passed three-years and seven-months.
One silver lining as being apart is that we get to retell our day to each
other. For the most part, our long-distance relationship was talking about life
events, what happened, how we felt, what next. It might not be everyone’s cup
of tea, but at least it’s one more tool.
$Money$
Regardless of how much money we have, it is a factor of being
in a distance relationship. In particular it’s when to visit, who’s going
where, and who’s going to pay. Despite our distance, we’ve been able to see
each other about twice a year. As mentioned in the other two parts, this is
rarely a fair and balanced situation and is something that can change. A plane
ticket between the U.S. and Philippines is certainly more affordable on an
average U.S. salary. However, for a span of time I was unemployed while Tin had
a well-paying, secure job.
Who has vacation time off? Which partner has an easier time
getting to the other person’s country? Where do we want to go? These questions
play a large part too, but probably the biggest one is who will pay. It’s not
always an easy conversation, but one better figured out sooner than later.
The Choice
We’ve all known the friend in a bad relationship who can’t
quite bring themselves to end it. We’ve all known the friend in a good
relationship that comes across some sort of hurdle or impasse and struggles to
keep it going. A long-distance relationship can certainly fall under either. I
think that a lot of times long-distanced relationships are portrayed as
disempowering, of not being able to be “there” for the other person, of having
restraints we can’t overcome. True or not, one thing we do have power over is
the choice, the choice to do all we can to make it work, or the choice to walk
away if that’s the right thing for one person or both.
That is probably the bottom line of what made it work between
Tin and me, and why we’ll be tying the knot in October. We both chose to stay
together. Regardless of the cultural differences, the distance, the everyday
challenges any couple faces, we took enough ownership of our relationship. We
defined it by things within our control instead of what we couldn’t, and chose
to be together.
