Wedding Talk, Part One: Value

Wedding Talk, Part One: Value

As I write this, it’s been about two weeks since my wedding with Tin. The days before, the day of, and the days after were everything I could’ve hoped for and more, with a lot of moments to reflect and learn from.

After trying to figure out how best to split up my many, disparate thoughts into more manageable parts, the first thing that came to mind was the “value” of the wedding, of specifically the event, the ceremony. It’s time, it’s effort, it’s money, weddings are a lot to take on, and aren’t mandatory in this day and age. We could’ve just gotten a legal marriage and be done with it, or keep a celebration to something simple with just a few people.

Perception is Internal

One of the simple wisdoms that’s done a lot of good for me is the awareness that perception happens within our own heads. Our senses (touch, sight, smell, hearing, taste) comes from what’s happening around us, but how we interpret it all is within our control. Warm or hot, pleasant or ugly, delicious or bland, we can choose to look at the glass half full or empty, can even decide how full or empty we make the cups in front of us.

For anyone debating on whether or not to have a formal wedding, my advice is to first ask how much value do you choose to give to the wedding, and secondly what can you do to see as much value as possible. Is the value in the tradition? Is the value in the guests? Is the value in the moment saying, “I do”? The answer will be different for each of us.

For me, it was wonderful getting to see people from different parts of our lives all coming together in the same place. It was great seeing the decisions Tin made that broke from what’s common from her gorgeous blue dress, to the wedding band, to the outdoor venue, to having a non-traditional pastor (more on this in another post) work out so well. It was in getting to see how our special day turned into a special day for others. It was in the affirmation that we’re good people by the words of our family and friends, and the challenge to live up to their hopes for us.

A good shot of Tin’s dress, her band on her left hand, and the outdoor venue behind us.

The Beauty in Imperfection

One thing I can confidently say though is that a wedding is going to have its quirks, its stumbles. I woke up the morning of the wedding on a wooden couch, doing well considering I’d drunken that stupid Filipino version of a Four Loko the night before. There was some antics with some horses trying to eat everyone’s breakfast (not a metaphor). The part of the cake we tried to cut was styrofoam (the actual cake in a different layer). They make for good stories.

We are also imperfect. One thing that came up a couple of times during the speeches was my history of being bad at asking girls out. I mean, on one level it’s pretty clear that any crushes or relationships I had prior to Tin didn’t work out, which gave me the chance to make it work with her. On a more personal level it was a humbling reminder of my past awkwardness, insecurities, and less-than-compelling foot I’d put forward, and that though I can’t say I’m cured of it all, I’ve worked on it and continue to do so. This reminder of my own imperfection once again was not anything that spoiled the day, or tarnished a good time, but made me grateful for where I am now. It was a chance to laugh at myself with everyone else.

For anyone looking for a “perfect day”, I’d say be prepared for something to not go according to plan, and to remember that nothing in our lives is ever without its hurdles so why should a wedding be any different?

This is not the picture of the perfect man who’s conquered all, but is still figuring it out day by day, hour by hour.

Not Just One Day

One warning I will give is that the wedding itself is a difficult time to try to spend with everyone else. Tin and I removed some of the traditions to make for a shorter overall event, to try to spend more of the evening with our guests, but it still ran long. The pictures, the ceremony, more pictures, the reception, and pictures all required our attention, and we really didn’t spend much time with our guests.

We did it before and after.

Spending some days before the wedding to see those people who live close by, and spending a day or two after with those further away, gave us the time to catch up with those we love, to go a couple adventures, to just relax and talk about future plans and socioeconomic issues in the world. When I talk about our wedding, the week before and after are a part of it in my mind, and just as important as the day of the wedding itself.

The day after the wedding, riding ATVs with the volcano in the background.

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I have a couple more parts planned. The next one will be a list of those genuine, memorable moments. The last one will be my thoughts on being an ally, as that was a very central part of our wedding.