Of Struggle and Privilege: My Year of Unemployment

Of Struggle and Privilege: My Year of Unemployment

This is a blog post I’ve been eager to write for some time, in part as a means to express my own trials and realizations, but more so because I was holding off writing this post until my job search was over. The purpose of this post is to share my experiences as I reached for the American dream, that job that would provide both career and financial stability, the struggles I had during this time, and then to reflect and point out how privileged I am in many ways even as I stumbled.

Before I do though, there’s one article I came across just recently that really put a lot of my own frustrations and confusion into context. You can find it here and I highly recommend it:

https://medium.com/@IjeomaOluo/the-anger-of-the-white-male-lie-6f9a6e646d47

Fortunately I don’t drive angry, and I don’t blame women or people of color for my own failures. However, the idea that I was promised a kingdom for simply being me really hits home. It describes what’s been this unease that the fact I had so much trouble on this job search felt wrong, but that in and of itself was also wrong. The unease is from the fact that I am constantly and continually told about how I’ll receive greatness (which I’ll be covering more below), but I realize that a lot of people don’t get that encouragement and in fact are told they shouldn’t aspire to greater heights.

As a fair warning, this is not a summary of how the white male protagonist reached his dreams. It’s not a tale of how I was better than the anger described in the article. There are thoughts below that are entitled, that are presumptuous, that are flawed and it’s me recognizing that about myself. There will be realizations in here that many people will find as common sense, and others who will see my “struggle” as better than they’ve ever had.

The Struggle

I finished my MPA[1] at the end of 2016 along with my paid internship[2] that coincided with it. I did the “work while you go to school” thing that older people like to preach about. With that, three years of the Peace Corps[3], and a few other odds and ends here and there I believed it was my time[4], that the next job would put me where I wanted. What propelled this more than anything was my first finalist interview for a Town Administrator job that happened earlier in 2016, that though I didn’t get the job I was told that I was their second choice and they would hire me[5] if negotiations with their top choice fell through. I received some of the highest, most ridiculous compliments[6] I’ve ever received from that community from more than one person telling me I should be a Senator, to gushing about my background from being an Eagle Scout[7], to a Peace Corps Volunteer Leader[8], “wow, what do you struggle at?!” It made me confident that I had just barely missed out on that job, and surely I’d land the right one soon enough.

My goal was to find a top local government position in a smaller town, or a mid-level administrative role in a larger city[9]. I applied to a few other good opportunities that came up like searching for Peace Corps staff (not volunteer) positions. I hit a wall, and at the early part of 2017 could only managed to get as far as a phone interview.

The first hard pill I had to swallow was to get on unemployment[10]. Between a bit of thriftiness and living in an area with a pretty low cost of living comparatively[11] I was able to build up a bit of a nest egg[12], but it ran out around four months in to bills and just daily living expenses. Politically I’m okay with unemployment, I think it’s a good safety net, it helps people stay on their feet in their time of need. I didn’t think it would be me though[13]. In my arrogance, in my delusions that I only had to look forward and upwards I didn’t think I’d have to get checks from the state to pay my rent on time[14]. I felt humiliated for taking advantage of something that I had paid taxes for myself, I had a bit taken out of my check from my last job for unemployment insurance, but I realized that the shaming of the poor that happens in America had rubbed off me more than I wanted to admit[15].

It was at this point that the eagerness, the enthusiasm in me began to fade and was replaced by a creeping doubt. The Peace Corps gave me many lessons, and facing true poverty such as families sleeping on the sidewalk atop cardboard boxes and a group of street kids high off solvents humbled me[16] and made me aware that things like a shower or bed weren’t necessities but luxuries[17]. However, the Peace Corps never made me doubt my own destiny. It challenged my biases, my prejudices, my beliefs[18], but never once during the Peace Corps did I think that I might not end up where I want eventually. My year of unemployment did.

As the year went on I slowly but surely expanded to other industries, tried to get less prestigious or paying jobs. I managed to become a finalist for four other communities, to be the Town Manager/Administrator, and each of them was about the same. I was told I interviewed great, they appreciated my background, but had to go for someone with more experience. I was a finalist for a few other things, and in those cases it was less about experience and more on “specialization” (apparently organizational development is a specialization these days as an example).

I ran out of my unemployment benefits in October[19], and as before I had managed to save a little extra[20], between my pretty low cost of rent, and not splurging on things I didn’t need, was able to push a few more months before I finally had to turn to family for help[21], to borrow money so once again I could pay my rent, my utility, my groceries. Once again I felt like an utter and complete failure. I’m 30[22], I thought it was time for me to be financially independent.

By this point I was fed up with being told how much promise I had, the continual reinforcement[23] that I just had to keep looking and I’d land the job I want. In part it was because it wasn’t happening, and in part because the people telling me this were the ones who were turning me down. I developed a theory that it wasn’t me they liked, it was the idea of me. I was young, I had good things on my resume, and because I’m a thirty-year-old white, straight male, they like the concept of someone like me being successful[24]. The article above made me tweak this belief, that it’s not even the concept of me, but simply the concept of the way we think society is that compelled people to promise me the stars even as they denied me the moon.

I finally caught a break in January 2018[25]. I applied to an arts nonprofit a couple towns over, and during that interview when asked what I had been doing the past year (as my resume ended in 2016), I admitted I had been searching for work with no success. They empathized and when they too turned me down for someone with more experience, reached out and offered a part-time position, 16 hours a week[26]. I’m not proud to admit that the first thoughts in my head weren’t that appreciative, but I had the sense and decency to swallow my pride and accept.

I expected my job search to end with a friendly call and a triumphant exclamation of victory[27]. It wasn’t. The person who received the full-time position resigned[28], a person who in the couple of months we’d worked together I came to really appreciate and call a friend. There was no glory in having to step in to keep the organization running. I also had to decide what to do with my job search as an arts nonprofit really wasn’t my plan, and honestly though the pay offered was enough to get by and no longer have to borrow anything, there were no benefits, and it’s not like I’d be making much headway into the student loans I do still owe from my undergraduate degree[29]. The compromise I came up with myself is that I’d hold out for those last couple of chances to reach the American dream[30], those last couple prospects I’d already applied to and told the Board Members openly about it.[31]

These last two rejections hit the hardest. One because it had been the best interview I’d ever had, a group that I felt connected with but when I reached out to found out that like so many others hadn’t bothered to tell me they’d chosen someone else despite promising they would. The other because their reasoning was that they were concerned I would be using the position as a “stepping stone”[32]. After a year being told I needed more experience, being told that I didn’t get a job for fear that I was trying to just get experience hurt. It’s a paradox without a solution, or at least not one I want to accept. I’m presumptuous for aiming high, and egotistical for wanting a job that’ll help me get to where I want. Of course, the real sting was in that those rejections meant that for the foreseeable future I won’t have a few of those luxuries I thought I’d have like healthcare or a chance to pay off those loans quickly.

It was not a triumphant end[33], but one with more humbling lessons, a few more frustrations. However, I have job now, and it’s enough. Actually, it’s more than enough. I can get experience there. I can earn enough there to move forward with my life. It’s challenging, invigorating, and I can do a lot of good there. It’s more than many have.[34]

The Privilege

1.      I have a Masters degree, which most people don’t get to have.

2.      And many people don’t get the option of both an internship with relevant experience that can also pay for tuition.

3.      Not every country has a Peace Corps, and despite the hardships it really is a privileged experience to work and live abroad with a support system.

4.      This belief that it was my time is definitely born from privilege.

5.      Despite the fact I didn’t get the job I wanted, I almost did and very early on. I almost didn’t even have to worry about a day of unemployment and could’ve started working there as I finished my Masters.

6.      Getting compliments from interviewers is a lot better than insults or general negativity.

7.      The Boy Scouts was yet another opportunity I had growing up.

8.      Not only did I get to do the Peace Corps, but got accepted to an optional third year with more responsibility and experience to gain.

9.      These positions would not only fit the American middle class dream, but also give me the privilege of feeling that my career is directly helping others.

10.  Not everyone has access to unemployment.

11.  Other people in the same internship program struggled with the salary the internship provided as they lived in more expensive areas whereas I got to be more comfortable with my finances.

12.  A nest egg is not something everyone can afford.

13.  A privileged thought, to think that I was somehow “above” unemployment.

14.  Not only did I get unemployment, but I can attest that it worked well for me to stay afloat.

15.  The fact that I had the option to look down on unemployment like this too was a privilege.

16.  I do count a lot of the lessons learned, the humility a privilege. It gave me tools and experiences to cope and deal with much of my own anger that other people don’t have.

17.  Shower, bed, running water. Things that many of us take for granted, but really shouldn’t.

18.  Once again, having opportunities to grow as a person, to not become too rooted in my biases really, really has helped me out.

19.  My unemployment lasted pretty long considering.

20.  Once again, getting to save a little extra is something many people aren’t able to do.

21.  This is a big one. Having family in a position to help like this is a privilege many, many don’t have.

22.  It’s not as if I’m a fresh college graduate, but I’m still relatively young and still have time on my side. Won’t last forever, but it’s there now.

23.  I think I agree with the article that being told how much I deserve has ended up a problem, but that also it’s a privilege compared to being told not to try, that I’m not deserving.

24.  Being a poster child for what America calls success is a privilege when so many people are told that they aren’t the stuff of success despite being more than capable.

25.  I caught a break. Not everyone does.

26.  Some work is better than no work, at least in this case.

27.  Even after everything, even after a year of unemployment I still held onto the privileged stereotype of what landing a job “should be like”.

28.  The opportunity to move up was something out of my control, it wasn’t by my own merit that it came to me.

29.  Even an undergraduate degree is something many people don’t get. Some people can’t get a loan to go to the school they want.

30.  Once again, still clung onto this idea that the American dream was mine for the taking to the very end.

31.  Not everyone gets to be honest about their job search. I do believe there’s privilege in the fact I was able to openly and honestly negotiate this with my organization with no repercussions, and instead encouragement.

32.  The fact that people believe I’m moving up in the world, and are concerned I’m too qualified or will reach too high though may have cost me this job, is yet another example of how I get a privileged spin to even job rejections.

33.  Believing in a triumphant end to my job search really is that sense of being owed a kingdom.

34.  I’ll be all right. I’m in a good place, and despite wanting more I really do have a lot now.

These just cover what I wrote on specifically. It doesn’t even include having an amazing girlfriend who grew up without a lot of luxuries and helped support me, but also keep my ego in check. It doesn’t include my car which only needed repairs near the end of the search, and I could get to where I needed when I needed. It doesn’t include all the day to day privileges that though not necessarily directly related to the job search, also spared me many of today’s prejudices that could have weighed me down.

Conclusion and What is the Point

Recognizing my own privilege is not something I do out of guilt, but from awareness. The point isn’t to try to give myself a “woke” badge (as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I’m not even keen on the term), but to come to terms with my own experiences when they are in stark contrast to my beliefs. It is about accepting that some of my attitudes are entitled, angry, even pathetic, and through this acceptance can gradually become wiser and more resilient all while not falling prey to the allure of ignorance, bigotry, and apathy.

The fear that comes with these realizations is that the ugliness of a member of the Alt Right waving a Nazi flag isn’t as alien to my own inner conflicts as I’d like. The thought that it wouldn’t be all that hard to become yet another person yelling angrily at strangers and cutting them off on the road is nauseating. However, the hope I have is that it’s very possible to not be that way, to learn, reflect, and grow. Knowing that I am not entitled to a rich life puts me on shaky footing, but it also is a liberating sense that lets me open my eyes wider.

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ACTION!

I find recognizing the privilege, or the good things in my life during harder times, during painful situations helps me move on faster. What’s a time in your life that despite whatever struggle there was, still had a lot of good going on?

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What’s Next?

Well, my job doesn’t preclude me from talking about politics so might take advantage of that. However, I think for my next post I want to talk about the ethics of neutrality. Many of the jobs I’d applied to had ethical standards that including non-partisanship, to keep silent and objective for political and other controversial issues. I want to explore that a little bit, on why we want some people to remain neutral.