Obstacles to Understanding, a
Reflection on Beliefs I Grew up With
This post is
meant to reflect on some of the things I was taught whether directly or indirectly
that in hindsight contradicts the reality of discrimination and privilege in
America. This isn’t meant to be an all-encompassing list as there are things
that though prevalent, wasn’t part of my personal upbringing. For example, I
did not grow up being told that the Confederate Flag was a symbol of southern
pride, so I won’t be commenting on it. Likewise, my dad worked in Indonesia for
a few years and we lived there so my interactions with Muslims as a child was
very positive, and so can’t really talk much about anti-Islam sentiments from a
personal point of view.
However,
there are other ideas a bit more subtle and in some cases well-intentioned that
did make facing the realities of our country a bit harder to swallow than it
needed to be. It’s more than possible though, and in my opinion necessary if
we’re going to make a better tomorrow. I’ll also being including some of the
realizations and experiences that helped me better face and accept a world that
doesn’t necessarily conform to what I once believed.
A history of triumph…
Although the
history I was taught growing up did touch upon some of the tragedies in
American history from slavery to the genocide of Native Americans, the overall
tone was of triumph. The overall narrative was one where America, despite its
problems, has always overcome and done better the next generation.
The 1989
movie Glory is a good representation of the history I knew. It’s a good movie,
it has some parts that cover very difficult issues, but when all is said and
done in the end we’re left with a feeling that the sacrifice led to a better
tomorrow. We won. There was glory. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad
thing, but it doesn’t capture the full story. It doesn’t share a tone that is
not as comforting.
12 Years a
Slave is a good example of what’s missing in how I saw our history growing up.
There is no sense of triumph at the end, only a cold, lingering unease knowing
that what happened was wrong and nothing will ever truly make it right. It is a
reminder of how brutal slavery is, and it did not try to protect our
sensibilities by offering some sort of “but *this* other thing shows that
America still wins”.
I’m a normal American…
I recall I
found myself annoyed when I was young and a teacher would ask everyone where
they were from. I didn’t feel connected to England or Germany, never been to
either place, entire family on both sides has been in America as long as at
least five or six generations as far as I’m aware (though all those video
specials of people’s ancestry makes me suspicious). I was far from unique in
that thought as entertainment, the news, and a lot more reinforced the idea
that I am “just” an American.
Although
it’s true to an extent, I was born and raised in America, still have never been
to Europe, my life is nevertheless impacted by my ancestry. It was easy for me
to take for granted having my own ancestry portrayed in everyday life as being
“normal”, as something I didn’t have to think about or question. Unfortunately
that’s not the case for minorities and women, whose place in society isn’t
claimed as normal.
As long as
we hold onto the idea that there is a “normal” in the most diverse country in
the world, it’ll be hard to accept the differences we have.
Work hard and you’ll succeed…
Get good
grades, go to college, get some real world experience, and the American Dream
is yours to have, you’ll have earned it. I was told by this from teachers who
wanted me to be a good student in their classrooms, to study, to participate,
to learn what they were teaching. My undergraduate college wanted me to feel my
money was well spent, and so equated itself with success. We pride ourselves on
economic mobility, loving our rags to riches tales both real and fictional.
Although in
light of the current economic difficulties, I think many people are questioning
how valid it is, the American Dream has always held more obstacles for certain
groups of people. Women are paid less than men on average for the same job with
same experience. The situation gets even more compounded when race, motherhood,
and other things are included as well. This isn’t a new phenomenon.
And working
hard doesn’t equate a good paycheck. Fast food workers are more than less the
example we liked to use when saying what not to be. I’ve seen my fair share of
fast food workers who seem to be working very hard, whether during the lunch or
dinner rush, dealing with a short staff, or just going a little above and
beyond. To be sure, I’ve seen the opposite as well, but my point is that there
are people making minimum wage who are putting the effort in, but who don’t get
a white picket fence and a nice vacation once every two years.
So long as
the myth of hard work = success persists, it will be hard to accept that a lot
of people haven’t been given as fair of a shot.
Be polite and tactful…
I strongly
believe that the way we say things has a deep impact on the message that comes
across. “I disagree with you” and “you are wrong” can change the direction of a
conversation despite having the same core meaning. However, I was taught growing
up that being polite, tactful, speaking in a calm voice were the best ways to
communicate in pretty much any situation, to be reasonable and rational when I
debate or offer my two cents. Getting flustered or frustrated was a sign of
weakness, of “losing”.
Being polite
is not always the best approach though. Being tactful isn’t always better than
expressing our frustration, our passion. In many ways getting emotional is a
sign that we care, that what we’re talking about matters. If someone murders
another person in cold blood, a rational, calm approach to that murderer is not
necessarily the best message to society as a whole, that a bit more fire in
condemning such acts can yield better results.
And I can’t
stress enough that the method we communicate is no replacement for the ***SUBSTANCE*** of what we say. Someone
who is genuinely suffering, not matter how incoherent they may be, still has
valid pain. Someone who is promoting racism, sexism, religious bigotry, or any
other form of hate, no matter how calmly or carefully-worded it is said still
lacks any legitimate substance. It is still crap no matter how nicely dressed
it is.
I am a good person…
I was taught
that if I treated people fairly, if I had good intentions, then I was a good
person. Everyone makes mistakes or does things they’re not proud of, but so
long as I did right by people the majority of the time, then I would be okay. I
don’t think this is wrong. We should encourage each other to be good, to try to
learn from our mistakes. However, it’s not enough.
In hindsight
I grew up with too low of expectations for myself in regards to promoting
equality. Accepting ourselves as fundamentally good people AND being content
with that doesn’t encourage us to be better. I find it’s a belief that’s passive,
that when we rely on intentions to the exclusion of actions, we don’t do as
much as we can. And frankly, someone can act like a good person most of the
time to most people, yet still treat a particular demographic poorly.
We may be
good people, but we can aim to be great.
The word of the day is…
Self-Identity. For me, this is the common
denominator that upon reflection ties these (and more beliefs) together and
makes it hard to accept the inequality in our society. Though often times unintentional, we build a sense of self-identity that relies on the world being
a certain way, for people fitting a certain place in it. When that’s
challenged, when people start to claim that things aren’t fair, that things aren’t
right, it’s often more than just accepting the world in a different light, it’s
accepting how we view our own self in a different way, which isn’t as easy.
But it’s possible, and here are some of the ways I’ve
tried to change my sense of self-identity to be more open and accepting to the
realities of discrimination and privilege in America.
· It’s not about me: One of the best ways to avoid issues of self-identity getting in the way
of understanding others, is not to make it about us. We are the protagonists in
our own lives, but that doesn’t mean that we are at the center of other people’s
stories as well. When I hear someone discuss their personal struggles, I do
have an urge to say, “Well MY struggles are such and such”, but I stop myself
because it’s not going to be helpful if I try to make it about me. I instead
try to listen and walk away with a better understanding of someone else more
than trying to get my own point across.
· Engage with “otherness”: Visit another country, have friends with differing political
views, even try a weird-looking dish. Not only can engaging with people,
places, and things that seem strange and foreign help us appreciate and
recognize diversity in different ways, but can help us better define ourselves.
I learned more of what it was to be an American when I was abroad because it
provided me somewhere to compare and contrast to. Once we recognize that there
are differences, it makes accepting the notion that we have different
challenges and opportunities more palatable.
· Accept criticism: Being called out for saying or doing something that’s intolerant or
narrow minded sucks. Although there’s definitely a benefit to learning how we
can improve, in that moment where we’ve done something wrong, it can be
uncomfortable. I can say that my knee jerk reaction in the past when I’ve been
told that what I said or did wasn’t cool was to be defensive. “Hey, I’m a good
person etc, etc.” I learned to stop, to take in the criticism however tough it
was.
· Grow: Rather
than treat acceptance and tolerance as an adjective, we’re better served
thinking of being open minded as a verb. It’s an ongoing process. Rather than
attempt to be “woke”, continue to try to wake up just a little bit more each
week, each year. In my three years in the Peace Corps, I still was learning new
things, realizing more preconceptions I had even at the end of my service. To
me that wasn’t a sign that I hadn’t done good enough before, it meant that I
was still growing.
***
ACTION!
For one, watch Glory and 12 Years a
Slave if you haven’t already. Do you think I’m right in that there’s a place
for both tones, both messages? Is one superior to the other? How can we teach
the next generation better than we were taught, to mitigate the obstacles to
understanding I listed above and many others I didn’t?
***
What’s Next?
The next
topic I think I’ll be hitting upon is how I think we teach and view racism and
other forms of bigotry wrong. I almost included “not being given an accurate or
in depth depiction of intolerance” into my list above until I realized it
probably deserved its own post.
Another
topic I’m mulling over are on nostalgia and having a childhood show depicted in
a different way doesn’t have as much weight as issues such as race and gender. Also
why philosophy is and should be important in our everyday lives.
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